Meggan's Musings

The months of March and April were devoted to love and happiness, more specifically to my marriage.  Even though this is an area that will forever remain a focus, it was nice to turn a lot of attention to it during these past few months.

I am continuing to learn a lot about myself and about true happiness. For example, even though being more spontaneous was one of my goals, despite my efforts, I missed the mark. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the merit of it, especially for a planner like me; however, I also recognize this isn’t something I’ll be able to accomplish on a regular basis. My husband would probably remark, “That is the understatement of the century!”

I fared a little better with my other “charges” for March & April. Here is a brief recap:

• My spouse is always the exception.
  These past few months I kept this thought in the forefront of my mind. Even during times of frustration, it helped me to think of how we both have each others’ best interests in mind. While we may not always agree and at times, being on the opposing side of a disagreement can make it difficult to remember this, making a concerted effort to focus on this thought helped. The next time the line is drawn in the sand, so to speak, it will be easier to remind myself that my husband is always the exception. No matter what, I know he just wants me to be happy and above all else, I want the same for him.
• Display more affectionate gestures (in lieu of letting myself get bogged down by every day life and the much less important household tasks.)
  If ever there were a challenge for me to overcome, this nears the top of the list. I find it hard to relax and enjoy life when tasks hang over my head. I develop a one-track mind, focused on task completion and letting nothing stand in my way. This mindset serves me well in some areas of my life, primarily at work. However, I know it is just plain annoying when it comes to tasks like cleaning, laundry and yard work. After all, there is always some household chore to complete. March and April were perfect months to focus on this. We hosted a family dinner, we began work on our yard and encountered a few busy weekends that kept us from our weekend chores. I’ll be the first to admit I wasn’t always successful in this area, but I put forth a concerted effort to make time for hugs, kisses and “how was your day?” dialogue in lieu of immediately tackling the dirty dishes in the sink or the piles of laundry. Without a doubt, this will require much more time, effort and devotion, but at least this is a start!
• Be spontaneous.
  See above. While I will continue to focus on being more spontaneous, I know this is an area where improvement by leaps and bounds simply isn’t possible for me.
• Don’t expect praise or appreciation.
  These past few months I really tried to focus on doing what needs to be done, without expecting a compliment in return. That means picking up my husband’s dirty clothes from the bathroom or some other small task that likely went unnoticed (and for once, I didn’t point it out.) It was refreshing to simply “do what ought to be done” and avoid pointing it out or expecting gratitude in return.
  
• Don’t expect perfection.
  If ever there were a top challenge for me to accept, this would be it. Not only do I expect perfection from myself, I expect it from others too. I know life and people are not perfect. I know my expectations are unrealistic. However, that hasn’t stopped me from expecting perfection, but I am happy to report I’ve made progress. My husband often catches the brunt of the unrealistic quest for perfection. These past few months I tried to focus less on perfection and more on gratefulness. For example, if my husband did something less than perfect, I focused instead on how grateful I am for him, for all that he does to make our marriage and our home wonderful. Admittedly, I also focused on being grateful for the fact that the task was complete and that I didn’t have to tackle it. The end result? My efforts paid off. I found myself happier and little less consumed with perfection, but instead more consumed with gratitude, appreciation and happiness.

To sum up the past few months, I wasn’t perfect in accomplishing each area of focus. However, at least it’s a start – one that’s resulted in extra happiness (something we can never have too much of!)

This past month I devoted My Happiness Project to love & marriage. As I mentioned in my last post, I consider this an area of my life that makes me very happy; however, there is always room for improvement. I know a happy marriage (and thus a happier life) requires more than a one-time, one month focus. So, while I knew this would be a good start I wasn’t prepared to learn that not only was this area of focus not apparent to my husband, I had been less successful than I had hoped at making improvements in the areas I was supposed to be focusing on. As a result, I’m taking another month to focus on my marriage and improve upon these areas:

• My spouse is always the exception.
• Display more affectionate gestures (in lieu of letting myself get bogged down by every day life and the much less important household tasks.)
• Be spontaneous.
• Don’t expect praise or appreciation.
• Don’t expect perfection.

As my happiness project marches on, I am devoting March to focusing on love & marriage. It’s important to note that I am very happy with this area of my life; however, given how important my marriage is to me, I can’t imagine a happiness project that doesn’t include this as a focus. The happiness I receive from being married to my best friend & the love of my life sets the tone for other areas of  my life. This is why I decided to not only include this in my project, but include it early on. Being as happy as possible in my marriage can only bring good things, including increasing my husband’s happiness too.

Here are my areas of focus to increase my relationship happiness:

• My spouse is always the exception – above everyone else, your spouse is the one who has your best interest at heart. I will take this next month (and beyond) to remind myself that my husband should always be the exception; the one person whose intentions I don’t question (even if we’re disagreeing or I’m upset or frustrated.)
• More affectionate gestures – I am sometimes guilty of getting bogged down with every day life and I don’t show affection as much as I would like to. I focus too much on the small things, like household tasks. I need to remind myself that those things can wait long enough for a hug and kiss and a “how was your day” moment. In fact, according to The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin,even the simple act of holding hugs for a longer time can make a difference. Research shows that if we hold a hug for at least six seconds, we optimize the flow of mood-boosting chemicals. Six second hugs for this month will be a focus (among other affectionate gestures!)
• Be spontaneous – Let’s just say that planner is my middle name. Spontaneity is tough for me; however, I know there are times when it is important and the times when I’ve tried it, I do feel carefree (and a bit happier.) I think it’s especially important in marriage. I vow to be a bit more spontaneous this month – maybe an impromptu date or movie night, who knows. I know I can’t plan spontaneity (it defeats the whole purpose) so I’ll say no more for now.
• Don’t expect praise or appreciation – I know marriage isn’t about keeping score, but sometimes I find myself getting caught up in doing just that. Keeping score and expecting a ‘thank you’ or a “that looks/tastes great’ isn’t realistic. There is something to be said for a job well done or doing an unexpected favor for someone else ‘just because.’ This month, no keeping score and more unexpected favors.
• Don’t expect perfection – I am a perfectionist, through and through. While I know I rarely hit the mark of perfection (after all, it’s an impossible goal), I still strive for it. The trouble with this personality trait/flaw, is that I expect perfection from others too, including my husband. Admittedly, it’s an unrealistic expectation and it leads to disappointment. In addition to being a perfectionist, I am also guilty of expecting things to be done right away. I get so focused on completing tasks within a set amount of time (usually immediately.) Much like my perfectionist tendencies, this extends to others too. This month I am focusing less on perfection and more on the things that matter.